Sunday, July 31, 2011

I Am So Foreboding, I Actually Scare Myself


What's up? I'm an insanely scenic stretch of terrain in the Connemara region of western Ireland. I have been blowing people's minds with my craggy features for millennia. And on this day, I'm in especially rare form, as is obvious. The way the fog is pressing down on my mountain peaks and shutting off the sunlight really adds a sense of foreboding, and frankly, I'm enjoying the hell out of it.

But lest you think I'm some sort of psychopath, let me assure you that I don't get off on scaring people or anything like that. It's just a curious thrill. No one knows what lies down this road, and around its many bends, which are hidden from view in this scene. One might assume, just based on how ridiculously ominous I look, that to travel down this road would be a fool's errand, like break-dancing next to a pile of live cobras. Go ahead and think that.

Of course, I could be bluffing. There could be a damn amusement park down that road, or an ice cream parlor with golden retrievers playing outside, and overexcited children shrieking and demanding confectionery treats. And you'd never know it because I'm looking so terrifying and dramatic. Anyway, it's your choice -- travel down this road, if you dare.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

What Is Taking Your Father So Long?


What the heck is your father doing? He said he was going to get the ice cream like 20 minutes ago. Is he making the ice cream by himself from scratch? Seems like it's taking about that long. He'd better hurry up or he's going to be in deep trouble.

I know it's hot out here, honey, but just wait a couple of minutes and your dad will be back and we can all go find some shade and eat our ice cream. Actually, there's a lesson to be learned from waiting, honey, and it's called delayed gratification. It means learning how to wait and be patient for the things you want. It's difficult, but it also makes it all the better when you finally get what you've been waiting for. Yes, it's a grown up idea, but it's also a good thing for kids to learn too. It's all about discipline.

OK, I think I see your father over there. It looks like he's got his hands full, too. Yes, he got the ice cream! It looks like pistachio. See what I mean about being patient? This is going to be the best ice cream you've ever eaten.