Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Island Dog Prefers To Avoid Technology News


Hey what's up, I'm Island Dog. It's been a pretty crazy week in the technology industry. At least, that's what I'm hearing from my contacts who don't live in a gorgeous beach paradise like I do, and have to slog their way through day after day of trudging to and from work to try and eke out a living.

I heard that Yahoo got a new CEO -- Marissa Mayer, the longtime Google executive. Also that VMware's CEO Paul Maritz is moving over to EMC in some kind of vaguely defined strategic role, with Pat Gelsinger, COO of EMC's storage products and a guy who spent 30 years at Intel (!) taking over as CEO of VMware.

Granted, it's surprising stuff. And you know what? I just don't give a shit.

No offense to anyone, but what's going on in Silicon Valley tech companies affects me about as much as a sandstorm on Mars. I live on a tropical island, and in case you haven't noticed, this water is insanely clear and inviting, and the sands silky and smooth under my paws.

My island beach is definitely nicer than anywhere on the California coast, or whatever skanky New Jersey beach you might think is all that. Newsflash: My beach could kick your beach's ass, if beaches could fight.

You want to know what my life is like? Every morning I walk up and down the 2 mile long stretch of sand, stopping along the way at resorts to get fed and lavished with attention by tourists. All I have to do is look cute and act friendly. It's easy work if you can get it.

In the afternoon, I take a nice long siesta and stay out of the sun as much as possible. Then when evening rolls around, I go out again and beg for scraps from tourists eating dinner.

It's a simple life. Which is why I resent the intrusion of Silicon Valley tech news. I couldn't care less what challenges Pat Gelsinger will face in transitioning VMware's business to the cloud, or whether Marissa Mayer will be able to right Yahoo's sinking ship. I'm too focused on enjoying every damn minute of this laid back island lifestyle to even devote a single brain cycle to thinking about things like this.

Now if you'll excuse me, I am going for swim. A couple hundred feet from shore is a coral reef, and there are like 800 different types of fish there, and sea urchins, and all kinds of crazy plants. I saw freaking Nemo the other day.

Island Dog = OUT

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Seriously, Get Out Of My Way


"Oh look, a hermit crab!"

That is probably the worst sentence that I can imagine being spoken, in any language. Because every time I hear it, I get picked up by a grubby handed kid, or some insensitive moron adult, and then passed around like some kind of freaking toy while everyone is like "How cute!" or "That's so cool!" or my personal favorite, "I wish I could carry MY home around!"

Actually, you don't wish that. That's just a dumb thing you thought up to sound all witty and ironic. Just stop.

Truth be told, I carry my home on my back because it's the only way I can avoid being eaten. This shell is really heavy, and in case you haven't noticed, I am very small, so yeah, it's not fun lugging this thing around all the time. Think of it this way: Imagine you're carrying around a piano and someone comes up and starts tickling you. That's what it is like when you see me on the beach and pick me up.

However, I am glad you think I'm "cool". You know what I think is cool? Jellyfish. As in, annoying tourists accidentally walking on them and getting their toes stung. That always makes me laugh. I think of it as karmic payback.

Now if you'll kindly get out of my way, I've got some business to attend to. Oh, and one more thing: You are lucky my claws are not large enough to pinch, because if they were, you would be howling with pain right now.