Go Ahead, Try Climbing Up Here

Hey, I'm a stone fortress, and before you get any ideas, just be aware that you have pretty much zero chance of climbing me. Just wanted to get that out there before you go getting any ideas or delusions of being able to scale my rocky steepness.

I've been here for 600 years perched on this mountainside near the Diskit Monastery in Ladakh, northern India. Of course, someone had to climb up here to build me, and from time to time, to fix up my crumbling walls. But those guys were tough. You're not. I can tell.

Hey, not trying to insult you, just stating facts here. First off, it's 12,000 feet above sea level at my bottom. The air is thin up here, and that's enough to keep most folks from even trying to climb me. Second, in case you haven't noticed, it's rocky as hell up here, and crumbly, too. Treacherous would be a good way to describe it.

What's that? You're going to try anyway? Cool, whatever, just be aware that the nearest emergency room is about an hour, and the roads are pretty damn bumpy.
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Oh Man, Is That A Tour Bus?

Are you seeing what I'm seeing? It looks like a giant bus full of tourists. Big, loud, obnoxious looking ones with cameras hanging around their necks. Could they be any more of a parody of themselves? Seriously, do you see that hat the guy in the blue shirt is wearing?

I just hope they maintain a sense of respect when they come into our temple. Because a lot of times tourists come in here talking and laughing and generally not caring a whole bunch about the fact that this temple is a place of worship, a house of peace and serenity, a place where one should be able to reflect on life without having to listen to inane background chatter.

Whoa, wait, are they wearing Hawaiian shirts? We seriously need to think about banning them, as a policy. That's just not right. I can never take someone seriously when they're wearing one of those.

Ah well, here they come. Let's hope for the best.
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This Some Weird Stuff Going On Right Here

This is one of those photos that tells quite a story, although I'm not sure what that story is. This photo was taken in a Buddhist temple in Rangoon, Burma, and the man on the right is draping some silk fabric on a happy looking statue that also happens to be smoking a cigarette. It seemed to be some sort of merit making exercise.

The guy on the left has a priceless expression that says, "Seriously, I gotta get out of here, this is way too weird for me. I crave normalcy and I'm not getting it here."

I tried to find out more, but language barrier, in addition to this being a place of worship, made me quickly realize the immensity of the task. So I have no idea what's going on here. But that can be a point in itself. Things don't have to always make sense to be awesome, and this is just the latest example of the world's rich tapestry of weirdness.
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Being a Boat Driver Is Great

I gotta say, there are worst things in life than to be a boat driver. I'm Tom, a 45 year old Thai guy who works on Ko Phi Phi in southern Thailand. My job is to ferry people around the islands nearby and show them all the cool stuff here, like the caves that are home to the cave swift, whose nests make Bird's Nest Soup, and bluewater lagoons that are just TEEMING with colorful fish.

There are a few drawbacks. Some tourists like to complain, for example. I don't let it bother me, but I can't for the life of me understand why someone would fly halfway around the world, and come to such a tropical paradise as this, just to bitch about the very few things that aren't perfect here. Fortunately, folks like these are rare around these parts, but when I do meet them, I just tune them out and start humming Thai folk songs to myself.

It's a good life. I've got my wooden boat, which is surprisingly sturdy and seaworthy. Since Ko Phi Phi is in the Andaman Sea, you actually get some pretty rough water here during the rainy season. But my trusty craft has sailed through many a hairy situation unscathed. And my passengers have been very grateful for that.
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We're Not Huge Fans Of Being Photographed

Um, excuse me, we're having an important discussion here, could you put that camera away? It's a serious matter, and no, we're not telling you what it's about.

Look, we realize you're a tourist, and we realize that we're cute kids, but if you don't get out of here with that camera, there are going to be problems. Yangon has plenty of beautiful temples, why don't you go photograph them instead?
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Did I Leave The Oven On?

Uh-oh. I think I might have forgot to turn off the oven. Damn, I always do stuff like this just before going on dates. Now I'm going to be totally preoccupied, and what really sucks about the situation is that it's my first date with Marsha, and she's going to think I'm brooding and distant. Which I'm actually not.

What to do? Do I go back? I actually can't, if I want to make it to the restaurant on time for the date. Man, this is one of those situations where I wish I could just make my mind a blank and dispel all these nagging concerns. The funny thing is, I'll probably get home later and find that I had shut the oven off after all.
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"This Umbrella Isn't For Rain"

I know it looks like I'm ready for a rainstorm. But this umbrella, you see, isn't for keeping me dry. It's actually to keep any negative sentiments from getting into my head. Like when people are having a bad day, and they try to share their misery with people around them. I don't go for that, and it doesn't touch me because of this umbrella.

This is how I keep a happy face even with times are rough. You should try it sometime.
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"Get me OFF this damn bus!"

Wow, I've endured some hellish bus rides in my day, but that one has to take the cake. It wasn't so much the crush of the 87 people crammed into this tin can masquerading as a city bus, but the carry-ons that some passenger had. One guy had a pail of dead fish he'd apparently caught fishing this morning. Another guy had a friggin' cobra -- and it wasn't dead. Scared the hell out of me, although the guy assured the rest of the passengers that the damn thing had been de-venomated.

Anyway, it's great to get off that bus, I can't even put it into words right now. All I know is I'm getting too old for this kind of stuff!

Yangon, Burma. 1:13 p.m.
Temperature: 94 degrees
Humidity: 90 percent
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"Man, I Should Have Asked That Girl Out"

Looking back on the situation, I'm realizing that I totally should have asked that girl out back in college. I mean, she was obviously into my scene, and adored me to an almost embarrassingly obvious extent. But I never pulled the trigger on that one, which sucks, because now I'm sitting here regretting the decision, like six decades later.

What the hell was I thinking? All it would have taken was a little courage. But I totally chickened out. I guess the other guys would have given me hell for it, too. Those guys were idiots though, who cares what they think.

This really sucks. I wonder what she's up to these days?
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The Flip Side Of Kashmir

Hong Kong is about as opposite as you can get from the small towns in the north of India. These are seething, noisy streets that are brightly lit and resplendent with the smell of commerce. This hits you in the face here even harder than the humidity does.

Within the neon glitter, you feel a long way from anything resembling remoteness. And you can barely continue a singular thought for more than 30 seconds before being interrupted by some kind of craziness. A bit different from the silent solitude of the mountain lands.

But there are mountains here, that's the ironic thing. See that crazy skyscraper to the right of the photo? That's the Hong Kong International Finance Center, Hong Kong's tallest building. At 1335 feet, it's the seventh largest building in the world. And there's an even taller one under construction right nearby.

Someone stop this crazy merry-go-round -- I wanna get off.
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Are You Sure About This?

"Skydiving, huh? Wow. I mean, if you want to do it, go ahead. But it sounds pretty scary. Hope you've given enough thought to the possibility that the parachute might have been worn out from the nibbles of a thousand unseen moths. And that it might fail you right at the moment you pull the ripcord. and that you'll go hurtling toward the ground at like 188 miles per hour."

"On the other hand, you might have an amazing experience that will forever change your life in ways you couldn't have imagined. Until you took your life in your hands."

"Wait, actually, can I come with you?"
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Bad Place To Wake Sleeping Dogs

The northern Indian city of Leh is a winding maze of alleys; the narrow, dimly kind that stray dogs like hanging out in. I found that out the hard way one afternoon when I stumbled into -- and woke up -- a group of sleeping stray dogs, which immediately gave chase.

These tenacious dogs chased me through the dusty streets of Leh for a good 45 minutes, and every time I found a good hiding spot, they'd sniff me out right away. They were good, these dogs. It wasn't long before I became exhausted by all the running -- the town lies at an elevation of 11,500 feet.

During the chase, however, I got a pretty good view of Leh, which has a deliciously medieval type of feel to it. And eventually, I managed to escape the dogs by hiding out in a giant monastery on a hill overlooking the town. I ended up staying for six days, although five of those days I stayed because the damn dogs were waiting outside for me.
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"It's Us Against The World"

In the smoky fray of a Bangkok rush hour, Tim and Tina walk along one of the city's busiest roads, on their way to do a little grocery shopping with their son, D.J.

It's a grim task, navigating the crazy streets of the Thai capital, but the young family has the kind of steely resolve that's useful in these situations.

Why are they walking? It's not because they can't afford a car. Both Tim and Tina have well paying jobs, and could easily buy whatever vehicle they wanted. But they're trying to make a point by not being just another car-bound family slogging their way through Bangkok traffic in little air condition prisons. A point that, at this very moment, seems to be a bit hard-learned.

Bangkok's just tough that way. The heat and traffic jams and overall noise and chaos often combine to create a mind-blowing cocktail of sensory overload. But if you're able to learn to deal with it, and get through it, it kind of makes you a tougher person. If that's true, then little D.J. is going to be one tough little fellow -- just like his mom and dad.
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"I don't care about getting the record, I just want to STOP"

Honey. Sweetie. Darling. I realize how much this dancing competition means to you. Really, I do. It's just that my feet are ACHING, and my head is SPINNING, we've been dancing for over four days now, and I'm basically about to pass out from exhaustion. Can we please stop dancing now?

OK, I admit, the dancing was pretty fun at first. All the people gathered round to watch us. All their cheers. The TV cameras. But sweetness, that was about 100 hours ago, and I've got some major blisters going on here, and not all of them are on my feet. So can we please stop dancing?

The worst part is, we're still only a little over halfway to the record. That couple from Mongolia who danced for 188 hours and 34 minutes back in 1964, I don't know what got into them. I bet they were on something. Although, they probably didn't drug test world record dance candidates back then, so who knows?
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Beginning To See The Light

Yuming had been hauling sacks of vegetables to sell the village market ever since she was a teenager, and now, at age 47, this task had become earth shatteringly mundane. In fact, sometimes Yuming would get so bored with her daily labors that she'd head down to a quiet spot alongside the canal and just scream, loudly and with surprising volume, into the empty waters. Sometimes, she had a hard time stopping.

But on this day, Yuming has been struck with a sudden jolt of self-awareness. "There are other things I could be doing," she thought to herself. It may seem like an elementary observation, one that most people have on a fairly regular basis, but for Yuming, this was a breakthrough of epic proportions.

So as the morning light bathed Yuming's face, she resolved to change her mode of employment, giving up vegetable sales in favor of a career in fishing. She'd long envied the local fishermen as they came off the boats at the end of the day, hauling baskets of wriggling fish, so she figured this would be a good new direction for her to take in life.
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Forecast: Scattered Snow Flurries

According to NASA, the Phoenix Mars Lander has detected snow falling in the Martian atmosphere, about 2.5 miles above the Red Planet's surface. Even though the flakes aren't reaching the ground, the find adds another piece of evidence to the notion that Mars once harbored liquid water, and perhaps even life forms of some sort.

The discovery came as a surprise to some scientists, but not to UFO hunters and conspiracy theorists who believe intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe. Yes, even within the political sphere.

We are living in strange times. I mean, next thing you know, some random governor of some far flung U.S. state will be chosen to run for vice president -- despite having an appalling lack of foreign policy experience -- and possibly end up a heartbeat away from the presidency. Stranger things have happened!

To round out this bizarre scenario, she'll be an accomplished hunter who's able to field dress a moose -- and will publicize this ability as if it somehow makes her more fit to help lead a country of 300 million people.
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What Is UP With the Large Hadron Collider?

Wow, look at this! The Large Hadron Collider has been taken offline until March or April at the earliest. Looks like they had some sort of electrical malfunction that caused a helium leak, or something like that. Hmm, I guess $9 billion doesn't go as far as it used to.

OK, so call me a conspiracy theorist, but I'm pretty sure this explanation is a smokescreen for what really happened -- a mini black hole generated by the LHC. Or, it's possible that a few scientists got sucked into a worm hole and are, at this very moment, running for their lives from a pack of hungry -- and decidedly non-herbivorous -- dinosaurs.

All I know is that this LHC really scares the hell out of me.
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No, Really, This Is Edible

Behold the durian, a legendary fruit throughout much of Asia -- and in some circles, legendary for all the wrong reasons.

Those spikes that cover the skin of a durian are just as menacing as they look. These aren't the wimpy, soft type of spikes that bend when you touch them. No sir, these spikes are hard as nails, and will puncture your skin in a millisecond, if you're somehow in a mood to test their sharpness by placing your hand upon them. But that would be pretty stupid, like trying to French kiss a cobra.

Durian have actually been used as a weapon on many occasions. Not just for the spikes, mind you, but also because durian is one of the foulest smelling fruits on the planet. Cracking open a durian reveals a wealth of yellow, fleshy fruit, with a creamy consistency that its lovers can't get enough of, but which is gag-inducing to just about everyone else.

The durian eating experience is the ultimate paradox, because it actually tastes good, but carries with it an indescribable stench. So much so, in fact, that durian is banned in hotels across Asia, as well as by most airlines.
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How Many Monks Does It Take...?

OK, so it's that time of year again, when the outside of the monastery gets so dirty that we have to drag out the ladder and get to cleaning the facade of our home. But when did this ladder get so heavy? Seems like it was lighter last year.

In any event, it's great that the new kid volunteered to be the one to climb up and scrub away the dirt and grime that has accumulated over the past year. Because none of us old guys want any part of that ladder. Mainly because that ladder is too freaking high, and once you get to the top, the thing wobbles like a teenager's commitment to chastity.

But someone's gotta do the job, so here's to hoping that the kid doesn't fall, like that one guy did a few years back. If we weren't there to catch him, the vultures would probably still be feasting on his bones!
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In Your Face Festivity

What is it about balloons that make them so appropriate for parties? And why do people like them so damn much?

Is it the colors? The sometimes funny shapes? Whatever the reason, I frankly find it disgusting that human beings can be attracted and amused by something so base and simplistic as a balloon. Are we still so freaking primitive as to be shamelessly transfixed by bright, colorful objects? Seriously.

Humans have for centuries been steadily making advancements in art, literature, scientific exploration... and yet, when we see a bunch of balloons, we're somehow reduced to children, giggling and watching as they go by. That's the kind of stuff that makes me worry about the future.
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Like Potato Chips With Wings

Fried crickets aren't as bitter tasting as one might think. In fact, properly seasoned, these insects are actually pretty tasty, and they're a popular snack sold by street vendors all over Thailand.

Never mind the rumors that abound that these crickets are harvested en masse with the help of DDT. Because once you put one of these crunchy critters in your mouth, there's no going back. Meaning, they're so addictive, you can't eat just one. Kind of like potato chips, but with wings.
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These Shoes Ain't Made For Walkin'

Riding public buses in Bangkok affords one the opportunity to soak in the city in its rawest form. That means hearing the roar of the bus engine, feeling the heat and sweat and hearing the exasperated groans of your fellow passengers, and experiencing a sort of collective resignation to being stuck in such an uncomfortable situation.

And, on occasion, it also enables the rider to observe things that they might not normally pay attention to -- like what kinds of footwear people are sporting.

These passengers' footwear are clearly designed for the short haul, and also reflect the fact that it's just so gosh darn hot in Bangkok. Flip-flops are common in the Thai capital, especially during the rainy season when floods are pretty much a daily occurrence, and the sounds they make are something that visitors remember and identify with their time in Thailand.

But what's up with the shoe on the left side of the photo? That certainly doesn't look like a very comfortable footwear experience.
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Hold On Tight!

Ooooh boy this is going to be a scary motorbike ride, I can just feel it. And even though I'm just a three year old little boy, I want my daddy to go really fast! And, as soon as the light turns green, we're going to!

You see, my mom's late for work, and the only way for dad to get her to work on time is to weave back and forth between cars in Bangkok's morning rush hour traffic jams. It actually makes me dizzy, but that's OK, because I think it's fun. And my hair blows around and gets messed up too.

After my dad drops mom off at work, he'll take me to pre-school. I like pre-school a lot, and I spend the whole day there playing with other kids and learning about stuff. I like all the teachers there. Well, except Mr. Somchai, because he never smiles, and he doesn't seem to bathe much either.

Well, the light just turned green, and my dad just told me to hold on tight, so that's what I'm going to do. I always do what mom and dad say, because when I don't, they don't let me have desserts!
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My Baby's Going To Be President

Every parent-to-be wants the best for their child. Well, I'm stepping that up a little bit: I want my baby to be president. President of what, I'm not quite sure. But definitely someone important; someone who brings meetings to order, and without whom things simply wouldn't get done.

Yes, that's right, you heard me -- PRESIDENT. It's a bold ambition, but why not? What am I supposed to do, sit here, in the last couple of months before my child is born, and hope for anything less than the best? I'm aiming high with my hopes, and my baby's going to rock the world, just you watch.

And so I'm performing this little ceremony here at the temple, to make some merit and hopefully ensure that my vision becomes reality. It's the least I can do for the kid who's going to change my world in ways I haven't yet even begun to imagine.
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Can You Believe That Bullshit?

Did you hear about the stunt that Old Lady Zhang pulled the other day at the fruit market? Apparently she fondled all the mangos in the entire place in her search for the ripest, juciest ones. The only problem was, she squeezed them so hard that many of them burst!

From what I hear, she ruined a couple hundred perfectly good ones. And mango juice was running all over the place, covering the fruit stalls with stickiness and making them veritable fly magnets.

The fruit sellers at the market were understandably upset. I heard that one of the guys called Old Lady Zhang an annoying, high maintenance bitch! Well, she didn't take too kindly to that, and word has it that she immediately turned to a cart full of watermelons and kicked it over! Can you believe the gall? Who does she think she is, some kind of freaking blue blood?
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